Hands-On Grandparenting: Another Chance to Be a Parent

2girls_v2The usual explanation for the pleasures of grandparenting is that you get all the fun without the bother. You can spoil the child and when they misbehave you can give them back.

My take after the last 72 hours is different.

I have three granddaughters. Two of them, sisters, live in Brooklyn. The third, an infant, lives in California with her brother. I have spent a number of weekends with the nearby grandbabies, but as pre-toddlers the emotional benefit to the male grandparent has been modest. Indeed, when the nonverbal infant cries, the instinct of the male of the species is to “give them back,” pretty much as soon as possible and to anyone available. But now, dealing with a four-year-old person and a two-year-old pre-person, things are different.

They are loving sisters but have a complicated relationship. In the blink of an eye, a hug will mutate into a suffocating headlock, banned by the NCAA. A salutation can be a snarl. A pinch or slap can come from nowhere as if some random memory of a remote slight has triggered an otherwise inexplicable revenge. Then, in a New York nanosecond, all is forgotten, all is forgiven. When not making a snack, cleaning up, helping to change clothes we, grandparents, serve primarily as referees.

They call me “Ba.” This is the ultimate contraction of Grandpa and it was one of the first words articulated by my first grandchild. Her mother, happy to have another word to claim for her offspring’s vocabulary, encouraged it over my mild protestations and a diminutive was born.

I have warmed up to “Ba.” It is simple. It is efficient. And, when said with emotion and a loud voice, it covers a lot of ground, indiscreetly signaling the presence of a problem without advising the bystanders of any details. “BAAAA!” Think of a Swiss Alps mountain horn.

Alternatively, it has a bleating quality – think of a sheep – that is very endearing when beseeching me for a favor or a treat but will melt my heart in the middle of the night as in “Ba, I feel sick, will you rub my tummy?”

I did not enjoy getting up in the middle of the night as was required by my granddaughter’s recent illness. One career of sleep deprivation was enough. But, I enjoy being needed. I enjoy being loved.

I don’t remember much about middle-of-the-night adventures with my own children. Debbie is generous enough to credit me with my share of mid-night assistance. I have blotted out a lot of parenting memories, but I will long remember some of these recent moments.

I don’t think grandparenting is about “giving them back.” I think it is about giving us a second chance as parents.

3 Responses to Hands-On Grandparenting: Another Chance to Be a Parent

  1. Karen Lightner May 19, 2014 at 6:59 pm #

    Sweet. I think you lucked out with Ba. My maternal grandfather, who was my mother’s step father – she called him Bert, was named Bebop by me as a small child. I was the first grandchild and he must have liked it, since that’s what we called him til his dying day.

  2. Eliza May 20, 2014 at 8:09 am #

    My favorite post ever! I need to write a rejoinder about the singular pleasures of leaving your (strep throat infected) children with your parents for 48 hours.

  3. Minor May 20, 2014 at 11:20 am #

    I agree with Eliza! This is a lovely post. The girls adore Granny & Ba.

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